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2011-11-24

讓戀情與孤單陪伴

眼看十一月就這樣結束了,晴天或者雨天在本子或者回憶裡都沒有留下一丁點的痕跡,似乎是習慣走一段路忘著歸途了。我在本子上翻那些可能被我忘記了的句子,心血來潮的想法。高四的本子,封面上畫著兩個沒有房子的白色蝌蚪,吱吱和喳喳,它們說,不想長大。我就抄下這個童話的開端吧︰在這個快樂的城堡裡(封面上有一個長的像蘑菇的城堡),住著兩個不想長大的蝌蚪。還畫著很多粉紅色的心,其中一個長了一雙蝴蝶的翅膀。還有我昔日寫下的句子︰想念,是我的鳶/放飛它,彷彿放飛一個春天。不記得寫下它們的具體日期了。

印象裡就像過去了很多年,本子也老了,翻開看到了很多物理化學英語生物等等學科的影子,它們一定程度上代表著我的青春,而且表面上是主要的那一部分。當然更多的是文字,我抄寫的北島的詩。

走吧,落葉吹進深谷,歌聲卻沒有歸宿,走吧,冰上的月光,已從河床上溢出,走吧……

還有他的《習慣》。愛情和孤單作伴,溫暖與福祉無關。是的,我習慣了,你敲擊的火石灼燙著,我習慣了的黑暗。那一頁還夾著寫給一個朋友的信,沒有寄出,是四月的,那時候學校角落的桃花許還未謝印刷公司

我習慣了聽著廣播寫那些凌亂的沒有頭緒和關聯的句子,就如此刻,甚至從前。翻著本子,希望找到一些其他人的字跡,希望自己的私密世界裡還有別人。但是沒有。半截的詩,孤立的詞,和等待被完成的斷章,時不時會在計算的式子之間出現。我想那時候我就習慣了,在上課的時候跑神,好像那些東西對我構成了一種對應的蠱惑,讓我無處脫逃。也可能只是習慣寫些不痛不痒故作憂傷的句子,誰知道呢?我已經習慣忘記了。

一年前,我還總是寫散文,寫那些日子裡的傷感惘然小小事件,還總是想到什麼就化為華麗的句子訴諸筆端,總是在圍牆內看著人群想著過去長吁短嘆。有時候有的人會說對,我會沈浸在過去,甚至很深。只是很少的時候。但我一直沒有忘記向前走。我已經習慣了向前走,所以才會想念那些不曾停下的經過的路或者旅館,或者短暫停留後我就離開了,因為我只有在回憶裡才能尋找可能是虛構的美好。沒有對錯好壞,只是習慣使然。但總會有回頭看也看不到的一天,支撐習慣的基礎也就不在了。我現下已經很少寫散文了,因為回憶有的已經消散,剩下的全在心底放著,你知道我知道,沒有了寫的必要。一年後,我習慣了寫詩,寫別人的故事,寫那些盤踞在心裡的情緒。我會在心裡感嘆,你變了。你曾說你不會變。

我習慣了七點起床,不吃早飯,逃兩節注定會無所事事的課,寫一個小時的文字,或者寫著寫著發呆一會兒,聽廣播裡的音樂,登上**看著一個人一個人上線再下線,看一下圖片,看看朋友的心情。偶爾上百度查一下紐西蘭黃石公園所羅門阿姆斯特丹裡約熱內盧,在地圖上標示它們距離我有多遠。習慣了打土豆菜和煎雞蛋,順便看一下我的單車,大葉玉蘭樹下的路燈鏽了的燈座,還有人群。習慣了喝清水,睡午覺,醒的時候看著牆上的蚊子被打死的地方回憶剛剛做的夢。習慣了在光線暗淡的黃昏寫東西,不管是否有雨。習慣了開一會兒玩笑,在猶豫中捱到晚自習的時間再放棄去,習慣了以寫東西作為理由離開電腦,有時候看看動畫,看電影,玩遊戲。偶爾會騎車出去效仿夸父追著太陽。習慣七點多鐘透過窗看樓下的公路上車來車往,散步和下班的人在暖黃色的路燈光下回家。習慣了到九點看一下第二天的課程,想一下自己的應對,然後到外面溜達一圈,看看是否有月亮。習慣了回想一天與一天的細微差別,宣佈一天的結束。然後聽著歌寫一首詩。每一天都有一首詩,只是我偶爾看不見。

也許,我還習慣了看不到你們中的任何一個,習慣了用想像代替相遇。習慣了無視自己的內心,無視自己的陋習,習慣了修改曾經的習慣適應現下的生活。習慣了一個人。希望這些讀起來不是感傷的感覺,而是平淡與講述。也許你懂,孤單就像影子與生俱來,沒有了它,也就不會有你。我已經說膩了這個詞語招牌設計

習慣代表著一種渴望,代表著麻木和無奈的清醒與妥協。就像我習慣說一些別人都不懂的話,我是在邀請,某個人走進來,或者引我出去。一個人很難確定自己是否是一個自己的旁觀者,讓戀情與孤單陪伴,指引著我們看到自己。

眼看一天又過了一半,剛剛結束的歌名叫《拋物線》,買的飯還冒著熱氣在光線裡盤旋。看吧,我還是喜歡用押韻的句子,還是習慣自說自話自問自答。還是習慣等待,知道笑的難看還是笑的世界變成了一條線。沒辦法,我習慣了習慣。  
categoryうちなーぐち  time17:28  authorcupwater 
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