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2011-10-03

人生百態我不壞

曾經無數次做過這樣的一個夢︰一個人無厘頭的追殺我,而我拼命地跑,拼命地跑。跑到最後我的眼睛突然一黑,什麼也看不見了。我努力睜開眼睛,卻怎么也睜不開,原來我的眼睛瞎了。聽著後面追來的腳步聲,我慌了,我像無頭的蒼蠅般亂跑。邊跑我邊發願,如果有來生,我一定要變成一個惡魔,把這個世界攪得永無寧日。
慌亂中我醒了,滿身的汗水。想起那個夢,我,我其實是一個不好不壞的人,壞事不怎么沾邊,好事也沒有怎么做。小時侯的我,在我的記憶中,應該是個乖乖孩。極少去偷果樹上的水果,極少去竊瓜地裡的瓜;不去掏樹上的鳥窩,不給別人取外號。但會打打牌,丟下妹妹自己玩。說起來,我還做過一件真正意義上的偷竊。那就是看上了商店裡的一套筆,而頭家又似乎在那裡睡午覺,於是我拿起了那套筆,可是頭家並沒有睡著。頭家當時說了什麼我忘了,只是後來就放我走了。後來我很長時間沒敢從她商店門口過,很害怕看見她。現下想起來,我不知道若當時我偷成功了,我現下會怎么樣;也不知道若當時她把我交給了我家人或者老師,我現下又會怎樣;我只是知道從那以後我再也不敢去偷了。
今年暑假,我的導師要我們填份資料,在“感言”這一欄中我寫了“爭取做個好人”。我記得我想了很久才寫上這一句的,但上交之後,我卻發現我想寫的是︰爭取做個更好地人。我不知道我是不是一個好人,但我想我最起碼不是一個壞人。那句話,並不是我突然地一個念頭,應該說很早就有了。
大學以後,每次到外婆家,外公外婆總會嘮叨一些村裡的事情,即使我不知道他們說的是誰。但有件事,我卻記住了。說是國小裡有位老師,不知道他是怎么當上的,教的是國文。然而教學生認生字的時候,他卻不會,還要向學生求救。當然有些學生的家教好一點,會認識,於是這堂課才繼續下去。我聽了,心裡五味俱全。那時候就想,如果畢業以後我什麼也做不了,或者我什麼也不想做得時候,我來教國小,儘管我一直不喜歡當老師。說來挺好笑的,我盡然把這個劃入了我想做個好人裡面來。
好人,這個詞,有時候對我來說是一個很陌生的詞,有時候都不知道什麼樣的人才是個好人。見義勇為?拾金不昧?扶貧救困?想起電視或者報紙上報道的那一幕幕,我都麻木了。我不禁問自己那些是好人嗎,而我卻不知道答案。想起曾經寫得一篇英語作文《好人》,我記得我在裡面是這么說的,在孩子的眼裡,只要你去真心地對他好,你就是個好人,哪怕你是個地痞流氓,哪怕你曾經殺人放火。
我知道我把當一名老師劃入好人的標準裡是不對的,但相對那位老師來說,我可能還能算是一個“好人”,最起碼不會那樣誤人子弟MotoGP
我不喜歡當官,也不會當官。我怕我進了官場,就像那些前輩一樣,滿懷著熱情進去,然後熱情一點點的被打擊,最後融入了官場。我媽希望我當官,我親人希望我當官,然後帶動家人,帶動親人,而我不願意,我怕我頂不住他們,也確實頂不住。我外公常說,這些當官的,只會吃飯,不會做事。儘管有著不少正面的報道那些“官人”的好人好事,但又怎能抵消那無數的反面教材呢。
曾經我的一位英語老師問我西藏問題發生的根本原因是什麼,我回答的是人心。在我看來,世上太多的事情都是因為人心而變得更糟糕。人總是有著那份私心,它帶來了我們的慾望──得到財富、權利和事物。或許剛開始很小,隨著得到的太多,慾望更加強烈;而慾望越強烈,想得到的也就越多。或許有人停止了慾望的膨脹,但有人卻讓慾望變得無法控制,於是無窮的佔有欲來了,佔有著金錢,佔有著權利,佔有著親人,佔有著朋友,連帶著陌生人都想佔有著。於是後面的一系列的事情發生了,有了失敗的人,有了成功的人;有了惡人,有了好人。那些能把自己的經歷的一點點分享給被自己佔有的人,或許就是個好人。
前幾天,我的一位同學突然說我是一個好人,我愣了愣。我是一個好人嗎?或許終其論我只是不壞而已。有的時候我感覺自己就是一個壞人,有時候我平靜地看著這個世界,什麼天大的事情都是無所謂的,不去看今天因為戰爭死了死了多少人,不去看今天因為地震死了多少人,不去看今天因為誰腦子不清醒而殺了多少人,不去看今天因為父母而痛苦的小孩,即使有時候看到了,我也無動於衷,因為太多了,若每一次我都去感動地話,我的眼淚早就流干了。只是在捐款的時候,我會願意捐出一點零花錢。
有時候,我感覺我就是一個不孝的人,試問一個不孝的人又怎會是個好人。我沒有對爸媽說過謝謝,我不知道爸媽喜歡吃什麼,我甚至不知道爸媽的生日,更沒有說過爸媽你們辛苦了。我總是冷眼旁觀,爸爸的身體不好,我沒有問過;媽媽的手指斷了,我也沒有問過。我只是靜靜的看著,有時候打掃一下房子,做幾頓飯菜,做好了,還可能是自己先吃。我知道他們對我期望很高,總希望我有一個很好的出路,但我卻不喜歡,不喜歡在那些漩渦了掙扎。可以說我是個胸無大志的人,真的是一個。
我喜歡一個人安靜地走在路上,看著路邊的花花草草,看著世間的人生百態我不壞,享受著太陽的溫暖,享受著細雨的清涼。其實花是給我的,陽光是給我的,細雨也是給我的,人間百態更是給我的。於是一路走過,看到孩子們哭,我希望他能笑起來;看到有誰有困難了,總想上去扶一把;看到痛心的事,眼淚還是會忍不住流下來。
或許我不是想做個好人,而是做好一個人吧。  
categoryうちなーぐち  time17:05  authorcupwater 
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