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2011-09-17

迷失方向的轉了一圈

是迷失方向的轉了一圈,還是旅途短暫的歸來,再次回到這裡,感慨萬千。夢中回想起許久不曾記起的往昔,內心徒生了些許哀傷。風起雲涌,預示著一場驟雨的來臨,炎熱的空氣中也充滿了濕氣。
我一直都不肯去看看西邊的土地上究竟發生了什麼樣的變化,因為那曾經是我孩童時的樂園,而內心卻一刻也沒有停止幻想它現下的樣子。偶爾站在樓頂或者路口,偷偷向西南瞄一眼,因為樹木和樓房的遮擋,我對它的美好印象一直還保留在我16歲的時候,而我也一直沒有真正的走過去看清它現下的真實面目。
在我離去的那一天,藍色的天印在我稍有憂愁的眼中,真正的速度是無法用眼睛看到的,就像我不知道何時那條蜿蜒的路已經不複存在,就像我不知道何時高樓取代了魚塘,就像我不知道何時廢墟取代了桃園,就像我不知道何時高壓線遍佈了藍色的天空。
在我歸來的那一刻,灰色的霧籠罩在我眼前,第一次我感覺自己是那樣的懦弱,脆弱,甚至孱弱。回憶,靠回憶來生活的人是會被社會淘汰的,歷史,歷史卻是需要銘記的,因為忘記歷史就等於背叛。在五十步笑百步的時候,我又想到了一種現實狀況,同樣是偷竊,一個是為了生存而去偷幾百元錢,一個是為了國家而去偷情報,小偷被世人唾棄,而大偷竟然成為英雄banner
重新走上那已經有6年沒有被我走過的小路,竟然一路冷風相隨,像極了那年夏天,我們在風中尋找可以燃起火的木柴和背風的小溝,那時候的人有些模糊,但是隱約還記得那頓蘋果湯是我做的,那頓有些糊的米飯是你蒸熟的,一群圍坐在青草上的我們笑聲連成一片。
繼續往前走,這片種滿棉花的土地曾經是個魚塘,魚塘周遭種滿了樹,我和我的伙伴喜歡在夏天的時候在這裡割草喂兔子,半晚摸樹上的爬叉(蟬的幼蟲,也是一味中藥),撿淺水裡的螺絲,家人總能把它們做成了一盤美食。這魚塘邊上曾有一口細井,曾經有一個女子為情自殺,卻被井口卡住了腰。
我和我忠實的狗狗朋友黑虎就是在這裡度過沒有人陪伴的夏天,我在樹上看書,它在魚塘裡游泳,捉魚。它離開我那年的夏天,我從樹上摔下來,碩大的黑背犬竟然成為我的拐杖,我扶著它的頭,一瘸一拐返回家,那時,它和我就像是地平線上的最後兩顆星星。
廢墟被風吹起塵土的氣味,沖刺著我的鼻子,這裡曾經是廣闊的桃園,我曾經叫它“桃花源”,從國小二年級到五年級,每年春天都會有一張班級集體照將這盛開粉色桃花的桃花園留在我們記憶深處。每年夏天,我們會避開桃園裡的凶狗,穿越荊棘去採摘那成熟的果子,被桃園主人捉到後,往往是一頓叱責,然後在我們每個人手裡都塞入兩個大桃子。
再往前走,有一堵牆攔住了我的去路,那曾經是綠油油的麥田,我們在三月的時候會跟著哥哥們去放風箏,哥哥和他的三四個朋友會用竹簽和塑膠扎出六角風箏,我們方言稱它為“號”。他們放風箏時,我們跟著跑,等風箏放起來了,我們就一起躺在麥田裡看著那天上不同的風箏,雖然都是白色沒有現下的風箏那樣絢麗多彩,但是那時候它們就和天上的雲一樣,在我們心裡是純潔的一方淨土。到了夏季暑伏天,我們會成群結隊的出現下這裡,男孩拿著尼龍袋,女孩挎著小籃子,拾麥子是我們為了湊齊來年的學費的工作。現下那片土地被鄭州七中買下,成為了它的水泥校園路,天空中架著的高壓線發出滋滋的聲音增髮
故地重游,昔日重現,我卻有太多的壓力,我知道自己為什麼會回憶過去,因為我真的是很懦弱,我在迷茫我的未來。近日來的打擊,來源於工作,生活,親情,愛情,友情,家庭,社會,人生等等都已經壓的我快喘不過氣來,無盡的迷茫,困惑讓我像干癟的薔薇花,一碰就凋謝了...
算命先生說我命中帶有富貴,卻沒有料到桑海桑田,世事難料。算命先生說我掌紋有福,卻沒有看出我病痛難忍,福壽不全。算命婆婆肉眼盲心眼不盲,她算出我今生相貌不佳,但是必得佳婿,卻沒有算出我一生與夫婿坎坷還是平順。他們說︰“三分天注定,七分靠打拼。”
離開這裡6個春夏,我又重新出現下這裡,埋葬的呼吸沒人會注意,轉身閉上雙眼,我用最後一分鐘懷念這裡。瘦弱的肩膀必須要擔當起家庭的責任,再苦再累也不能讓人看見我哭泣。藍藍的天,清爽的秋草香,冷冷的風,涼爽卻又寒氣洶涌的空氣,那麼多遺憾,那麼多哀傷,把回憶帶到我的身旁。狠狠的睜開眼,堅定的往回走,咬破了嘴唇也不發出一聲的哭泣,就是我們80後的特性。儘管內心一直在淌血,嘴上卻依舊倔強。
我們經歷了貧困和富貴,扛過了一次次課改,一次次升學壓力,一次次工作壓力。上學不再包分發,成績不再說明一切,有能力也不一定能得到施展的空間,沒有能力只有理論的得不到實踐的機會,可是我們是堅強的80後,堅強的猶如博弈卡(終極拳霸3中的主角)一樣,有太多的奇跡我們相信了卻絕望的去痛哭到微笑,但是依舊沒有去放棄。
是誰讓曾經的親如兄弟的朋友反目成仇?是誰讓我們低下了我們高貴的頭?是誰讓我們不再相信付出一定會有回報?是誰偷竊了我們的信任?是誰讓我們變得不再純潔?是誰讓我們的眼睛不再單純?
你那曾經也是憂傷深邃的雙眸,為何也變得這樣迷茫模糊?為何我看不清你的樣子,是我的眼淚蒙住了我的雙眼,還是你忍受了太多苦難已經變得不再是你了?我們的改變到底是讓人生適合了我們,還是讓我們適合了人生?
我們曾經堅信的“為我們自己而活”,我們是否在迷失方向的轉了一圈?  
categoryうちなーぐち  time12:40  authorcupwater 
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